Note: Writing on this blog has been difficult for me this past semester. I occasionally have these ideas and then I just…stop. I’m doing my best but I wish I could be more consistent. Well at least I’m not “trying”! Right Yoda?
My anxiety is coming back to the other end of its cycle and starting over. There’s a lot about me that is inconsistent but unfortunately, this isn’t one of them. It’s the same every semester and it happens like clockwork. I just signed up for my classes next semester. I am currently sitting in my living room (yet again) sprouting tears and asking myself why am I doing this? Why am I choosing to go to college if I feel so sad, stressed, irritated every time someone asks me “how’s [insert school name]”?A lot of people are surprised when I am honest about how I feel at school. As if they expect me to talk about how much I love to spend every week of my life reading and studying for tests that prepare me for nothing useful after I graduate.
I hate that I complain so much about school when other people have it much worse than my first world problem life!
I hate that I don’t have a career path I feel passionate enough to pursue in.
I hate having to wipe the tears off my face week after week because I realize the school I’m in is purposefully keeping me from graduating on time.
I hate that every week, the same school gives me another thing to worry about.
As if college isn’t enough to make me want to break down, they remind me I should be putting more of my free time for internships and volunteer work. They remind me if I’m not out there competing with every other college student and clawing my way for an entry level job, then I’m doing it wrong.
The thing is, I know I’m not the only person in school who feels this way. I have had conversations with a good number of people in my school and read enough articles about other people who feel the same way. They all hate what they’re doing. A lot of them admit that most of the classes they are taking are unimportant and unnecessary stress. So why do we do it?
I can’t speak on behalf of everyone but honestly, I only have one reason I’m in school. I don’t want to disappoint people. Yes, the girl who loves to speak her mind, and (if my blog name isn’t obvious enough) proudly represents a house that values creativity and originality is afraid to disappoint everyone if i drop out of college. I can see the look of disappointment on my families face. My aunts and uncles shaking their head and thinking, I knew it, that spoiled rotten girl has never truly suffered. She hasn’t the slightest clue about the real world. All she does is complain and pout but fails to put any of her time to contribute to society. It’s only a matter of time before she mooches off our taxpaying dollars.
Most importantly, my mom (who will officially have a PhD in December), ashamed that she has a Latina/American daughter who falls in the statistic of (roughly) 70% of Hispanic/American women who don’t have a college education. As far as my parents are concerned, I might as well call myself illiterate and uneducated. A young girl like me with no career ambition, no higher level education, and no useful work experience is just another one out of a million undesired job applicants.
All of those 15+ years of both private and public education I’ve put into will mean nothing when I apply for jobs. Whatever I did in grade school, high school and community college will mean absolutely NOTHING when I only have that on a résumé. The first short story I wrote by myself in my lit class wont hold any relevance when looking for a job no matter how proud that paper made me feel. And why should it matter? I’m not special enough to drop out. I’m not Steve Jobs or Bill Gates and I don’t want to be! I don’t have any interest in software development or coding. I’m not born into a family that can give me a “small loan of 1 million dollars” to start a company *cough cough*. I don’t have a big idea or a vision of a new kind of technology that will revolutionize the world.
I’m a just an ordinary, lazy girl.
I just want to feel happy and find something that makes me feel happy. And all (apart from french class) of the classes I have taken don’t make me happy. I feel frustrated, scared, and depressed whenever I am in those lectures. There isn’t really a class I have taken that gives me the “this is what I want to do” feeling.
*Note* Though I do know I want to be fluent in french but that’s not really something I care to put all of my college tuition on. And learning a language is just a fun hobby I can do anytime by myself.
So if I don’t feel that way, why am I still here? Why am I giving my anxiety more fuel to spiral out of control? The classes are only going to get harder and my breakdowns are only going to continue and be harder to control. I wish I had a nice little conclusion to this blog. I wish I had an answer for the readers that can inspire or motivate you all, but I don’t. I’m just as confused as you. Maybe one day I can find someone who will give me the help we are all looking for.